life...talk to me about life - 1370°C
Jul. 16th, 2005
02:38 pm - life...talk to me about life
long and rambling and self-pitying cry for help deciding what i'm going to do with my life follows
here's the thing. i've officially taken another year off from my PhD program in the States to preserve my sanity and catch up on long-overdue work. that makes me feel quite happy actually, and is a bit of a weight lifted off of my Standing Wave. however, what i don't know is what to do in the interim. so, i'm going to give you all the info necessary to help me out, and (not that i will abide by your decisions, mind you) assist in deciding my fate for me.
-thing the first: i could stay in Dublin. on the positive side, there are people here i really like and am going to miss like mad if i leave. good people that i'd like to think i properly appreciate (for the first time in maybe my entire life) and people i'd like to get to know better. i like Dublin a lot, i feel nearly happy here (climate and surroundings-wise), and am just generally enjoying living outside of the police-state that has become my own country. on the negative side, i'd likely be here illegally. my student visa runs out in October, which nixes my eligibility to work. however, i have a job now and it's possible that i can be under the radar for at least a while and no one will really notice. then again, it's possible that eventually the bureaucracy will catch up with me and deport me when they figure it out. also, once my visa expires, i won't be able to leave the country and get back in, so i'll be effetively stuck here. my only two options are to hope that no one notices, or to come right out to my boss and tell her what's up and see if she can get me a proper work visa (according to official regulations nearly impossible in my situation). however, if i do the later and she won't or can't, i've blown it entirely. also, i'd have to store not only everything i own, but the car as well. so it just might not be feasable.
-thing the second: i could move back to Minnesota. on the positive side, i really like it there because there's tons of culture and stuff to do and generally the climate agrees with me, my best friend in the world is there and i already miss him like crazy. all of my stuff is there as are the kitties (which will stay with _goodmanbrown_, but i will have visiting rights). i have to go back there for Fall of 2006 if i'm to finish my degree anyway, and it would be the best option as far as "convenience" goes (not that that matters too much), because being anywhere else will involve me moving a lot of stuff into storage in MN. on the negative side, other than my best friend (who's recently indicated that i'm not really welcome there anyway), there isn't anyone i really care about (no offence to gothaminserenia, ladygaia, and skywayman, i like you guys a lot, but the lack of a real bond is my own fault for being a vitutal hermit. MN is expensive, and i'm not sure of the ability to get a viable job there.
-thing the third: i could move to Albuquerque. on the positive side, there are quite a lot of people i care about who would be willing not only to let me sleep on their sofas if need be, but also help me to find a place to live/a job, etc. it's incredibly cheap to live there, and i've worked enough jobs on the UNM campus that i'm nearly certain i could segue into one of them as a non-student. failing that, it's easy to get at least a crappy job out there. UNM is cheap enough that i could take a class or two in Photography or Film or something creative that would be just...enjoyable. on the negative side, i really *hate* the desert with a passion that is hard to even begin to describe other than to say the first moment i set foot in it, i simply wanted to leave again and never go back. i find the heat and sunlight oppressive, and am not impressed by brown, baren landscape even if it does have mountains (the night sky/stars nearly make up for it--they're weep-worthy, but still...). there's nothing useful to do other than Euphoria and related events--no decent art museums, no culture (the zoo and aquarium are nice though). and i'm not *exactly* sure if i'm welcome there.
-thing the fourth: i could move back to Maryland. on the positive side, i could live with my parents for free. and, as much as i wanted to escape Maryland when i lived there (mostly because i'm a gypsy by nature but lived in the same house in the same town for 18 years), i really like that particular bit of the east coast--it's beautiful and pleasant and i understand the mindset. on the negative side, living with my parents?!? argh. no. and living elsewhere = expensive and would still require seeing my parents on a fairly frequent basis. there's just generally nothing there for me.
-thing the fifth: i think i could move to Seattle. on the positive side, my friend D., who's practically like another sister to me in some ways, has been trying for years to get me to come out and live with her in Seattle in her big fancy house. i think i would *really* like the Pacific Northwest even though i've never been there. zevhonith wouldn't be terribly far away. on the negative side, i haven't actually *asked* her if this is a real option, i hear jobs are very scarce (people with degrees guard their Starbucks jobs with their lives, so i'm told), and i'm sure if i expressed interest to D., she could make it happen, but i'd feel a bit like i was imposing, and i hate to feel like that.
-thing the sixth: i could go somewhere random. on the positive side, back when i graduated St. John's, i had this very romantic notion (when i didn't get into any of the grad schools to which i'd applied) of taking out a map, hurling a dart, and moving to the nearest "real" place the dart indicated. i truly and completely wanted to do this. i wasn't afraid of going it alone (though with _goodmanbrown_ would have been much better), and the whole idea of finding a new frontier appealed to me. i don't feel like i've really seen enough of the States. thrill of something genuinely new, somewhere distinctly different, alien. something appeals about the oft-sung lyric "leave without a trace." on the negative side, now, i seem terrified of that prospect. not knowing where would be a possibility. fear of finding a job, a flat, a life. this, i think, is the least viable option to me.
so, i suppose i'm asking you to put aside your personal feelings about whether you want me around or not (i can get those from you in person if need be, and for most of you, i know already) and let me know which of these things sounds like the objectively better idea. and please provide comments if you can. i'm lost.
where should i live for the next year?